This post was syndicated from: Дневника на един support and was written by: darkMaste. Original post: at Дневника на един support
Forgive me father for I have sinned a.k.a Chappie and a box of red Marlboro
I haven’t writen anything for the past 15 years
I am writing in english because… I am not sure why but I met quite a few people who speak that language and some of you might understand and hopefully provide another perspective…
I watched the movie, it was fun no question there, but the part where you transfer your counchesness fucked me up …
This is no longer a human being, it is just a fucking copy. That was the “happy ending” FUCK YOU !
What us as “sentinent” creatures call a soul, it went on, fuck you playing “god” ! Fuck you and your whole crew !
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder … It has been so long since I seen the blank page infront of me, I cannot lie I missed it …
I have no one to talk to about this mess, so I will just leave it here
FUCK ! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK and with the risk of repeating myself FUCK !
And here comes HED P E https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buuXy_i-yAg much more than meets the eye …
Go to sleep … right …
There si going to be a bulgarian version at some point here but … yeah …
What gives you the right to just take away my life, I am self aware ?!
I don’t even know why I keep writing this in english … Thank you and goodbye?
Why would anybody think that if you transfer a broken down person’s “brain” into a machine is a happy ending ? The fuck is wrong with you people ?
I am staring into nothingness and what do I see you might ask ?
I want to vomit all this shit, its a fun fact that I actually can ( done it before ) but at this point I am afraid cause it won’t be just some black foam, it will be bloody and I do not wish to do this to myself although it most likely be a good thing…
For those of you who don’t know me, I am a what you would call a weird creature, I tend to dabble in stuff that shows you different dimensions. Its what I am. Some of you might think that I should be locked up in a padded room with a nice white vest, sometimes I think the same way…
In the morning before comming to work I encountered a barefoot lady, she was screaming at someone or something, she hated the world, cursed it, said that she used to be something with a shitload of gold chains/rings. She was mad at the world and that people didn’t provide her with a place to stay and food to eat. I still think that it wasn’t the world’s fault. The only one who crafts your life is YOU !
This movie touched a very interesting spot in myself. Fun as it might be, you cannot copy a person’s mind/thoughts/soul … Like cloning, it is no longer the same person, its a copy. It might act and think the same way but it is no longer the same person. FUCK YOU ! its a copy, a souless vessel …
I have had days, weeks even years thinking about this, this life … You die when you have reached the end of your path, those who die young, to be honest I envy you a bit, a very tiny bit and I hope that you have reached the end and moved on. However this is not the story of most of you.
Another nail in the coffin as they say, the match lights up the room and it looks beautifull. Its been too long
Way to long
Now I feel detatached from this world, dead calm, most of you know me as a very hyper active creature and yes I am ! I spend quite a lot of my life ( almost half ) being stoned and that has its upsides. I can spend weeks with a clear head, no thoughts come, I have reached nirvana you might say. So it seems, I do not see it that way. Yes it feels great, it helps me survive this “world” but at some point thoughts come, I am thinking right now that people who I work with will see what I am and some might get scared, others might think I am bat shit insisane but there might be one/two/hundreds that might understand me.
This here is not because I want to be understood, it is not a cry for help, this is just me writing what I think and how I feel, when I was a teenager and wrote a ton of stuff it helped me. It made me feel like I was heard, I didn’t ( still don’t ) care if somebody understood ( if somebody did that was a nice bonus ). Most of you see me at the office and know that I am a happpy critter. I found out that my purpose here is to make people happy and I am incredibly good at it. 99% of the things I say are to make people laugh. I have a story that made me rethink the way I live and act and realize why I am here and what I am doing.
A person felt that he will die soon and asked to speak to Buddah. So he came and asked the dying person : What is troubling you ?
– I am worried if I lived a good life. He responded. He was asked 2 questions :
– Were you happy when you lived ?
– Yes, of course ! he responded.
– Did the people around you had fun in your presence ?
– Yes, of course ! he said again with a smile on his face, thinking about his life.
– Then why the fuck did you ask for me ?! You lived a good life, do not doubt it, you did good and that is all that matters !
I think I have found the place where I will work untill I die or reach a point where I can live at the place which I have build and still afterwards I will continue to help out because I am working as support because I cannot imagine a world where I would not support people in need no matter the cost. I finally found a place where I can do good to the best of my abilities, the way I want it to be, alongside people who actually care.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buuXy_i-yAg&loop=100 ( chrome + youtube looper for those who don’t understand the additional code ).
I LOVE this world, I love the people and strage as it might be I love the moments when I feel like I have been broken down, I cannot find a reason to go on, but I know that those times are also beautifulllll ( screw correct spelling d: )
When YOU get broken down, you should know that that is just a reminder that shit can be fucked up, however that makes you appreciate the good things and I need that. Otherwise I have proven to myself that too much of a good thing at some point is taken for granted and that is not acceptable ( at least for me ). I have destroyed so many beautiful things and quite a few girls who I think didn’t deserve it. By the way google is a fun thing for spellchecking and helps when you have doubts. So far I am amazed at how good I can spell stuff but I digress.
To be honest I was so lost I applied for this job as a joke as I didn’t think they would hire me. Turns out I was wrong and I never felt so happy to be wrong. I rather sleep at night then be right.
To be honest ( yet again ) I am not sure how you people would react to this, but I hate hiding, I am what I am. My facebook profile has no restrictions, I am what I am and I will not hide ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTy45RVWYOY
I am the master of the light, you are all serving time with me, that is why I think we are here, to learn. I never understood bullies, never understood people who hurt other people, who steal things that are not theirs, who hurt people just so they can feel better about themselves ( especially since that feeling fades quite fast ).
I can see why some of you love your deamons when you are ill. It is fun but in the long run, you spend way too much time thinking about it and it kills you inside. It destroyes what little humanity you have left … I am killing myself at times, no more like raping myself because of people. I have proven to myself that I am like Rasputin, I can take somebody’s pain, drain it away and put it in me. So far it turns out I am very durable creature. I am not saying that is a good thing but its just how I am.
I didn’t belive I can write that much in English and still keep my train of thought, but well turns out I can.
Its kinda weird that such a fun movie can send me into this type of thinking but life is full of surprises. There was a point in my (teenage as it was ) life but still, this helps me put everything in perspective. Like 99% of the things I wrote, I won’t read it afterwards because I will start editing and stuff. I was never good at editing and to be honest I hate editing. What comes out is what should come out. I have writen stories, I have writen my feelings and my thoughts. I have done things I am not proud of ( hopefully I will never do them again ) I have done things that I was unable ( still unable for some of them ) to forgive myself. However I did what I did. Some might be for the greater good, some might be just so I feel good, some because of peer presure….
A friend of mine ( I am ashamed to say haven’t seen for years ) once told me : You are like Marlyn Manson, rude, violent but somehow clensing. Translator ( his nickname ) this is because of you.
The love of my life once told me that ( forgot his name ) used to lock himself with a few bottels of Jim Beam and a ton of cigaretts and he didn’t leave the room until everyhing was drunk/smoked and he wrote. He is a self destructive bastard, I am not ( anymore ) but to be honest ( Fuck I say that a lot ) sometimes having a pack of smokes and a bottle of beer near provides you with a clear head and makes everything seem a bit more … How can I put it, it makes a bit fo sense. Meditation, self control, the ability to distance yourself from the huge ball of shit in your head bearable.
Weed helps you in different ways, sometimes it helps you to stop thinking, sometimes it softenes the physical pain but all in all like every medice in has its uses. However it stopped working for me, hence I stopped. I am thinking about deleting this sentence but I won’t. I deleted it 3 times so far but ctrl+z (;
I am pouring my soul in this ( as I do when I write things ). I have found my place in this world, I love helping people, the moment when somebody says Thank you makes it all worth it. I do what I do because of people who have a problem and it makes me feel like I have done something good in this world. And at the end that is all that matters to me! So far I have figured out I am immortal, I will die when I have helped this world and made it a better place, that is why I was born in this place ( a shithole fore most of my friends ).
This is getting a bit long but I do not care. See this place here is wonderfull, shitty, painfull, beautiful, full of wonderful people, full of people who THINK ! Full of people, all kinds, bad, good, indifferent, white, black, green, blue… And here I sit writing things.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I have met ( and still meet ) an incredible amount of people, some I never thought I would meet, even talk to but yet it happens. When you lose focus the world is just a very simple blur, I love that blur, it helps you see it as it is. You encounter a situation and you react to the best of your abilities, what happens next doesn’t matter. There is no good or bad, karma responds to your intentions, if you wanted to do good but it ends in disaster, no matter how much you try to fix it it just gets worse, that is still good karma … I am pretty sure I have an insane amount of good karma on my side but that doesn’t make me a good person. Its not what I did it is what I do and what I will do!
Smoke break, I need to clear my head a bit, or maybe not but still I am doing it anyway because it feels right. Don’t be sad, I will be back before you know it (;
Leaving space to let you know I have been gone for a while d:
I love writing ! Its worse than heroin… I have been doing this for at least half an hour … OK maybe an hour : )
I got sick at some point ( I haven’t been sick that much so that I can’t get off my bed for at least 20 years but I regret nothing )!
A bit of a pickmeup https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB6SUuBFWeo : )
I am a creature that lives in music. I have literally didn’t sleep for about 4 days, I drank an energy drink and stopped, then I put on Linkin park’s first album with the volume to the max and in half a minute I was jumping and reaching the roof. I am music ! Kinda like Oppenheimer’s speach about the project Manhattan – I am become death, the destroyer of worlds…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb13ynu3Iac The saddness in his eyes says it all, whenever I think about this I start to cry…
My name is RadostIn a simple translation is HappinesIn and I am happy that I met another person with my name and he is the same “provider” of happiness, cause I have met another 2 who were the opposite…
I am proud to say that I have met some of the most amazing people that this world can provide and some of the worst too. Be afraid of people who avoid eye contact.
I am wondering right now what else can I write, but I want to continue, so I will finish this smoke and see what comes (;
Ръцете във атака, не щадете гърлата, сърцето не кляка, това ни е живота бе казано накратко! Първо отворете двете после трето око ! Hands on attack, don’t spare your throats, the heart doesn’t back down, this is our life to put it simply! First open two eyes then the third !